Dear Boyfriends of America,

Do you know what February 14 is? If you don’t, you already lose. Go straight to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Actually, in this case, it probably means don’t collect any affections from your sweetheart. Unless, of course, she’s just not into that kind of thing. Then you can let Valentine’s Day slip on by without so much of a nod toward it.

I would like to point out now that if your girlfriend actually hasn’t said anything about not wanting to celebrate the great V-day, she probably does. Want to celebrate that is.

But what do you do? How do you figure out what you should buy in order to get the maximum effect from her? Tears and all? (Never hope for tears. Ever. You will be sorely disappointed 99% of the time.) If you’re consulting a blog post for that… never mind. I won’t finish the sentence.

Should you go all out and empty out your bank account? Probably not. That’s never a good route to follow, just common sense wise. It is utterly romantic and beautiful in a Harlequin Romance kind of way. The difference between your life and a Harlequin romance, however, is the fact that they work in the same way as fairytales. Often, the lowly stable boy manages to win the $300 million lottery after he manages to gain the affections of the farm princess. You probably won’t have such luck. It’s a game of probabilities.

Perhaps you are freaking out because you just started dating her last month. What’s appropriate? If you’ve only been dating that long, probably not the negligee that you saw in the window of Victoria’s Secret and subsequently imagine her in it all the time. That is not a good career move. So, what is good for Valentine’s Day for the newly initiated into tied-down life? Some sweetly sentimental thing like chocolate or flowers. (Both not a good deal if your girl is allergic to one or the other).

Actually, chocolate is generally a good bet for anyone that has been dating for a while. Just because girls like chocolate. It makes them feel good.

What about if you’ve been dating for awhile? See, this is the worrisome part to me. If you’ve been dating for a while, why don’t you know what she likes? “But Joy,” you say, “I’ve exhausted all of my romantic V-Day ideas.”

Oh, pish posh. That’s what the Internet is for. Ever heard of Google? “Romantic valentine day ideas” brings up a whole myriad of responses. Obviously, you’re not the only one with this problem. Make a collage of pictures of you and your significant other. Make something, anything that actually took longer than the five seconds it takes to buy a card from Target. It would be much appreciated. (And cheaper, although, you probably shouldn’t tell your girlfriend that).

The fact that you remembered Valentine’s Day is the important thing. If you didn’t you’d have been in the proverbial dog house for a while. And even after she lets you back into the main house, she won’t forget that you, yourself, forgot. No, seriously. Valentine’s Day may be the biggest lie perpetuated by the greeting card companies (she knows that), but she also expects you to buy into it. Come on, being romantic one day out of the year won’t kill you.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Girlfriend

Posted on February 7th, 2007 by Joy
Filed under: Letters, Relationships, Romance